Tag Archives: life

Spinning My Wheels

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You know those moments in life when you know exactly what you have to do to be happy or to accomplish your goals, but you just can’t bring yourself to do it? Well, I’m having one of those weeks.

Let me back up just a little. As someone who’s struggled with OCD most of her life it should be no surprise that sometimes I have a hard time letting things go. My brain often moves a mile a minute and I can’t stop thinking about everything I don’t want to be thinking about. When I was young I’d often think about things I knew were “bad.” Whenever I was bored or had nothing else occupying my brain, the “bad” thoughts would creep in. Perhaps that is why in high school I was a part of about 7 different clubs and activities. I worried that they would never go away. But, over time, with some work, they left and have yet to return.

overthinking

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I Do Not Have Asthma

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I grew up a fairly healthy child. I rarely got colds or the flu. I’ve never broken a bone, and other than a few minor incidents, managed to stay out of the hospital. I felt invincible, like I would never get old. I felt like people who were sick a lot or didn’t participate in things due to illness were weak – they just were not trying hard enough.

My first glimpse into chronic illness came when I developed a goiter at age 15. I was terrified as I waited for the biopsy results. My second, third, and forth glimpses all came in a rush 2 months later as my mother, aunt, and grandfather all battled serious illnesses. My compassion grew, but I was still sure that would never be me.

Then, one night, at the age of 23, I had trouble breathing. Then I had another. Three trips to the hospital and one visit to a specialist later I had asthma. I REFUSED to accept it for months. I refused to take medications or proper precautions. I could NOT have a chronic illness. I was scared that it would hold me back; I felt like my life was over.

It took me about 3 years to really come to terms with the fact that I would always have asthma – it wasn’t going away. It took me 5 years to learn to live with it without constantly being terrified that I would be too far away from a hospital and would die if I lived normally. I can happily say I have now found the balance between taking proper precautions and not letting my asthma prevent me from doing the things I want to do. I may never scuba dive, but I’m living harder than I ever did before my diagnosis!