Spinning My Wheels

You know those moments in life when you know exactly what you have to do to be happy or to accomplish your goals, but you just can’t bring yourself to do it? Well, I’m having one of those weeks.

Let me back up just a little. As someone who’s struggled with OCD most of her life it should be no surprise that sometimes I have a hard time letting things go. My brain often moves a mile a minute and I can’t stop thinking about everything I don’t want to be thinking about. When I was young I’d often think about things I knew were “bad.” Whenever I was bored or had nothing else occupying my brain, the “bad” thoughts would creep in. Perhaps that is why in high school I was a part of about 7 different clubs and activities. I worried that they would never go away. But, over time, with some work, they left and have yet to return.

However, I then started to worry about social interactions. Did I say that word right? Is she mad at me? Did she interpret my body language correctly? I used to make myself ill worrying about all the what-ifs. That probably has something to do with my anti-social behaviour while I was depressed after my mum died. I just couldn’t handle my own brain. I was convinced that everyone was talking about all my mistakes for days after an event or interaction. With some help and many reminders that no, in fact, I’m not the centre of the universe, I began to let go of the worry.

Most of the time I’m pretty good, but every once and a while something gets under my skin just enough to drive me nuts. Last week Jay and I attended a hearing for an ongoing battle with our landlords. I found myself in a situation where I had to speak quickly, think on my feet and couldn’t back track. Damn. To make matters worse, our landlords lied and twisted my words and I wasn’t allowed to correct them (until a later date). Double Damn. OCD’s worst nightmare. So now I’m sitting at home having multiple imaginary conversations with the judge and lawyer. While I’m in the grocery store I’m going over what I wish I had said in response to those allegations. In the shower I’m delivering an Oscar worthy speech proving evidence to be false. I’m going through it in my head over and over and over…

Jay and I leave the country in the winter so our continuation trial date isn’t until May. I clearly have to let it go. I can’t have conversations with imaginary people for 6 months. I also need to be able to focus on things that are happening now. I know exactly what I have to do to get back to work and be happy: stop thinking and worrying about the trial. So why can’t I do it? It’s been one of those weeks where I would have given anything to shut my brain up. But, I have to try and ignore the thoughts, distract myself with work, and…